When you look in the mirror, what do you see?
When someone pays you a compliment, do you shy away?
Maybe you lightly disregard every last word and move on with your day.
It's so easy to fall into self-denial.
It's even easier to mask it as humility.
I grew a miserable relationship with my body.
I cultivated the not enough's, less than's, comparison fuelling, pitiful state of mind that
sabotaged my worth.
I was my own worst enemy, time and time again. All-throughout claiming love for God, for others, and myself, but I couldn't look in the mirror without some level of disappointment.
Just under a year ago, I dove in deep. I hesitantly, with knots in my stomach, partnered with my first swimwear label, Cecile Swim. I slipped the swimsuit on and looked in the mirror. I immediately noticed the curves of too much thigh, my uneven complexion, and my round tummy.
My body felt like a stranger's!
I knew then, big work was underway.
I started to wrestle with the value I held in God.
My cultural upbringing of modesty
The worth I saw in my life and the lives around me.
I questioned everything.
That's when a humbling truth hit me:
Deep within me is the reserve for someone else's mark of approval.
I have spent my life waiting for someone else to validate me.
I have longed for someone else to look me in the eyes and tell me I'm beautiful.
I have longed for someone to look me in the eyes and tell me I'm
"Beautiful."
It seems a miracle to be here, less than one year later...
I practically live in my Cecile Swimsuit.
My skin carries this all-year round tan because I finally let it see the sunshine.
My body has never felt more strong and capable.
I workout consistently and joyfully.
Make-up is a consideration for extra special occasions - aka I pretty much live make-up free.
I take myself on solo dates to the beach and love every second of it.
"What you believe will change what you see"
- Jenn Johnson.
No one needs to tell me I am beautiful because I feel beautiful.
When someone does tell me, I say, "Thank you. I appreciate that."
This journey has been such a rugged one that I cannot help but feel grateful for my mind,
my Spirit, and my body.
I heard this phrase and it made my whole world hault! - "True love is not the absense of judgment but the presence of it" - Michael Ramsden.
"True love is not the absense of judgment but the presence of it."
- Michael Ramsden.
I don't feel beautiful because I have reached "Perfection."
I don't accept compliments because they're an ego boost.
I live my life in a balance - I acknowledge my weaknesses and they champion my strengths.
There is something here, in learning the value of BOTH the good and the bad.
I believe it is the great paradox of life.
Everything is connected.
How we view ourselves is a good indication of how we view other people.
We all talk about loving the world, but do we understand that it comes
at the cost of first, deeply and unmistakably loving ourselves.
I am currently learning what it means to discover someone's heart before their physical qualities.
This approach has completely changed my life. I look around me and can't help but weep at the quality of community I have. I have prayed this prayer - the refiner's prayer.
I have longed for the love I have now. And it has cost me everything.
It cost me my pride.
Toxic mindsets.
Incompatible connections.
Superficial love.
And all that I have left is the stuff gold is made of.
Sincerely,
Alexia Rae.
_______________________
This blog post is sponsored by Cecile Swim
Alexia Rae is wearing the Aries One Piece in Matte White in a size L (10-12)
Use code #ALEXIA10 to claim 10% off your first order with Cecile Swim