This isn't something I ever wanted to talk about and at the same time,
something I've always felt in my spirit I probably would.
Now, I want to start by saying, this blog is not intended to pressure you, condemn you, or make you feel like you're a bad person. I know viewing PORNOGRAPHY is a pretty common activity amongst most of us.
Whatever your reasons are, I want you to approach this blog with ease, knowing that this is simply a retelling of my personal journey through pornography and what it meant for me as a young woman.
Let's start from the beginning...
I grew up in a very sheltered home. I am 1 of 4 girls so you can imagine my childhood involved a lot of dolls, hairbrushes, sharing clothes, petty arguments, and at the same time, a ton of love! My sisters and I are the best of friends! This also meant that we had very strict rules around boyfriends, dating, and a social life.
I grew up in church and from a very young age personally pursued a relationship with God.
Although I was a friendly natured girl, I had a side to me that was very insecure.
I couldn't wear a swimsuit to the beach because I was afraid of what people would think of me.
I particularly remember this one time trying on a number of swimsuits with my mum and through a face of tears, exclaiming "Look at my thighs!" I was around 13 and wore a size 8 (AUS size chart). There was absolutely nothing wrong with my thighs!
I remember being 12 years old and discovering SEX for the first time through a scene in a movie. I was alarmed at what I was seeing and at the same time completely drawn in by the " intimacy" depicted on screen.
I had NO idea what I was witnessing and still, my heart ached for a similar experience.
When I hit puberty, I had the toughest time navigating my sex drive.
Like most teenage girls, I fantasised over Prince Charming and desperately longed for a significant partner.
After a few years of "searching" and a continued frustration over my sexuality, I turned to porn. I don't remember HOW or WHERE I discovered it, but it changed my life.
There was a constant shadow of guilt, my insecurities deepened, and I did not trust most men in my community.
Around this time my parents had separated and I lived with my mum and sisters. This was a season I'll never forget as being a very emotional, uncertain, and trying one.
I convinced myself that I was alone - no one struggled with what I did! No one had the same dark, confusing secret I did. And so, I decided I would never share it with anyone, not even my family.
Throughout this messy process, I continued to pursue God. From age 16 -18, I was heavily involved with ministry in my local church - I will always cherish the memories we made during those short years!
Still, as a young leader in kids ministry, youth ministry, and music ministry, I felt ill-equipped to navigate through the darkness of porn and the hole I felt inside of me. It was a scary place to be.
Fast-forward to my 20th birthday when I joined YWAM (Youth With A Mission) for a 6 month Discipleship Training School.
I was based in Kona, Hawaii for 3 months and later Kathmandu, Nepal for the remaining 3.
It was during this 6 month stint, I felt 100% FREE from any addiction to or desire for PORNOGRAPHY. Isn't that crazy?!
Something I had battled on and off for 8 years was all of a sudden, not a fraction of an issue.
In hindsight, I finally understand how that 6 month season had met a deep need within me - INTIMACY.
I was born with a God-given desire to receive pure love and give pure love.
I say PURE, because so many of us confuse lust for love.
Love is pure, wholesome and fulfilling while lust leaves you temporarily satisfied and always hungry for more!
For 6 months, my needs were being met. NOPE, I wasn't having SEX, I wasn't watching PORN, I wasn't MASTURBATING, I was not pursuing a relationship with or being pursued by some guy - I wasn't doing anything that I had defaulted to for several years and somehow WAS FEELING 100% LOVED for the first time in my life!
My miracle came when I understood how much God loves me. Although I had been pursuing God for most of my life, I always doubted myself, I questioned my self worth, I wondered if I were beautiful enough or if any man could desire me?
When I had 6 months of my "honeymoon with Jesus" I had time to re-evaluate my life. I was finally able to see the different points in my life I had allowed the lies of the enemy to tell me I was unworthy, I wasn't beautiful, I was bad for wanting SEX and intimacy.
I finally had a community that I could open up to about my experiences through sexuality - and that made me feel free. They didn't treat me weird. They embraced me wholeheartedly. They prayed with me, confronted deep hurts, and most importantly, helped me claim my identity in Jesus Christ.
5 years later, I'm sitting on my bed in Samoa, writing you this letter.
I'm feeling more free than I did that day in Hawaii, when I first confessed and confronted my issues with porn.
Now, writing this blog post, bearing my heart with whoever has the time to hear it, I understand how honesty and freedom are interchangeable.
I have always found significant freedom after first being honest with myself and others.
My biggest desire in life is to be ONE person.
One person at home, at work, behind closed doors, and out in broad daylight. I don't want to be caught wearing a mask, confessing one thing with my mouth and conceiving something else in my heart. Sincerity is my goal.
Of course, this has come with my making a LOT of mistakes!
Let me go one step further here and say that navigating my sex drive in a dating
relationship is HARD.
I'm a 25 year old virgin and have had an open and honest conversation with my boyfriend about waiting till marriage. It's a wonderful place to be when both you AND your partner are in agreement with something as significant as sex.
In this season of singleness I am learning to embrace the pains and joys of pursuing HEALTHY SEXUALITY by always keeping God at the forefront. After all, He made me - He knows how I operate - He designed me inside out. Keeping Him in the loop of my life is the best
way to reach my full potential.
You know how I can do that ?
TRUST. I trust Jesus. I trust His timing, I trust His intentions, and I trust His unconditional, pure LOVE for me.
I trust every word He's ever said and continues to say. I trust what He speaks over me in the seasons of waiting.
PSALM 139 - God knows me intricately and He loves me purely.
ZEPHANIAH 3. 17 - God's heart for me is so relational.
SONGS OF SOLOMON - Romance, amazing sex, and marriage are all part of God's
design for man.
JOHN 3.16 - My life is priceless!
JAMES 1.2 - 4 - The reward of perseverance.
(Taken from the BIBLE - I prefer the NLT, YLT, and AMP versions)
The more I cling to who God says I am, the less reason I have to validate PORN in my life.
I would also like to credit my honest, God-loving community for making this process so much more JOYFUL that I thought possible.
We are vulnerable together, we pray together, and support each other through life no matter what.
I hope you find the people in your life with whom you can be fully known and still fully loved.
There is always HOPE that our current battles are temporary compared to the
promise of freedom ahead.
HEBREWS 6.19 (+20) - " This hope [this confident assurance] we have as an anchor for the soul [it cannot slip and it cannot break down under whatever pressure bears upon it] -- a safe and steadfast hope..."
Sincerely,
Alexia Rae.
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